Rectifications (6) – ‘Don’t take this personally, but…’

Rectifications (6) – ‘Don’t take this personally, but…’
Torrey Orton
April 8, 2009

Following the suggestion of Confucius, I continue some rectification of names for our times. Elsewhere I offer some ‘solutions’ to some problems of linguistic degradation. Relevant observations appear towards the end of my most recent Dances with Difference (4) post.

‘Don’t take this personally, but…’ is what we say when we mean the opposite. Anyway, how could I not take personally anything except if it really had nothing to do with me nor with any world that I recognize, embrace, inhabit?? Of course, I might be preoccupied with something which took my whole attention. But even then I could recognise something as affecting me which I postponed to a moment of internal space. ‘Don’t take this personally, but…’ is often avoiding perceived violences. It is a member of the ‘easing in’ family of expressions for giving no offence when an offence is required, felt or expected to be perceived by another.

It’s mirror image is ‘I won’t apologize for..’ - an apology for something we do not apologize for. Typically this is from a politician (no colour, shape or size seems to matter) when such is clearly what is called for ... except if there is someone you can get away with not apologising to, in which case the explicit denial of just treatment is unattributably in their face. These are usually stigmatised groups or individuals.

A common experience in therapy is the rather quiet, introverted client who says their noisy extraverted partner doesn’t listen to them. It turns out that they are often unheard because their own voice is small and their needs veiled. Between cultures similar things happen. Noisy, informal explicit cultures don’t hear quiet, formal, implicit ones, and vice-versa. The personal and inter-cultural development task is the same: to become more varied in assertion styles. For some this will feel like doing violence to the other, or being violated by the other. A nice case of the latter appears in my latest Dances with Difference (4) post above.

The workplace version of this is performance management problems. I have often dealt with either a boss or a report who says something to the effect: ‘He/she just doesn’t do it right.’ And there follows a litany of perceived avoidances, derelections and disrespects, with months of history piled onto them. Almost irremediably split. These are often reparable by one of two moves (depending in position) – (1) give clear statements of expectations, checking that they are understood and within the person’s capacities and perceived responsibilities; or, (2) confirm clarity of directions and limits of personal capability to perform, especially where cooperation from other organisational units is required to do the tasks successfully. The desire to avoid being personal blocks these simple moves.

The three examples – therapeutic, intercultural and workplace - share the feature of a shock likely being necessary to create or sustain a clear understanding of something previously veiled or invisible. We know that our work and relationship habits are resistant to change, and selectively interpret the world to sustain their utility for us. When the world has changed so that our habits are no longer adequately functional, a shock may be necessary to loosen them. That’s personal.

So ‘don’t take this personally’ is an invitation to a separation or a snooze in the conversational gap between personally interesting stuff. However, I can think of one situation where I might say this: when I’m about to tell a story or share a fact which I believe could be interpreted as a veiled ‘take this personally’ and it is really important to the relationship at that moment that such does not occur. Good judgment on such fine points saves recurrent recriminations be preventing unnecessary shocks. Since we inhabit shocking times, care about creating gratuitous shocks is highly desirable.