Showing posts with label respect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label respect. Show all posts

Sunday, January 5, 2014


What’s normal now (3)…The men question
Torrey Orton
Jan 5, 2014

What’s wrong with men?

“We’re redundant” is what I thought in the night as this question rolled around for the nth time. And on seeing the morning papers I had my sense confirmed by Camille Paglia’s reported fear that the West has lost manliness in its engagement with late modernity (THE AUSTRALIAN 01012014). Undoubtedly I’m overreacting to my sense of the state of men, but the depth pushes some warning buttons.


If you’ve ever been unexpectedly made redundant you know the experience makes the word have a terrorising power, diminished only by overuse. Its cognates ‘in excess of needs’, ‘position deleted in restructure’ and ‘superfluous’ often mask a “constructive dismissal” more sharply capture the intent – to designate a thing which has lost its meaningfulness in its context, a disposable, a discardable, refuse, trash. This is violence, by the way. The experience is only not experienced as an assault on the self if you discovered in the moment that you really always wanted to get out of the place and they’ll pay you to go!

Violence

When I first started working on this article a month ago I took to my shelves and found 23 books with ‘violence’ in their titles, not including William T. Vollman’s eight volume suite Rising Up and Rising Down (2003). The word feels male, though not only men violate. We just do physical violence in undeniably larger proportions compared to women. And we all respond to death threats with more alarm than to the multi-faceted violations of social, financial, and stereotyped soul murders which proceed often in deniable bite by bite, day in and day out.

 
A violence footnote. Human violence is a continuous dimension within which physical violences are but one class and only about 20% of the reported violations the rest of which are normally grouped under headings like social, financial, etc. The latter are tools of manipulation mastered by bullies and supported by the fearful around them. The soul murder effect is that all violences are attacks on the self which shrink the self, making it feel the author of its own ills. Not surprisingly we feel the imminence of death with greater apprehension than the slow burn of disrespect, so our virtual experience (mediated by news systems) is surrounded with reminders of that end of the violence spectrum. It sells to our already cued apprehensions.

Offending without intent

So there arises, over and over again, the wonder: What’s wrong with us men? I should have had a viewer warning classification before that sentence, knowing that it will offend some part of the population which identifies as male, as if 90 to 10 (even though only percentiles) were not a winning score in anyone’s games. Following on, all men are men and different, as are members of all classes of organic, sexually reproduced beings, and all classes of anything (not sure about all electrons, though!)…including the word ‘all’ of course.


Here’s another such warning. My aim is to create enough of a picture of the male place within the human world one to provide some perspective on the question ‘What’s wrong with men?’ I claim no special knowledge about us (men) and my perspective is undoubtedly shaped by its origin. Not my choice; just my fate. I always wonder about being human, and am limited by my masculinity. I manage to do alright with both male and female patients about being human, so that limitation is not incapacitating so far.

 
And a final limit: I’m mainly talking about the industrial or ‘advanced’ or first world states in what follows. Shortage of material culture may increase the rate of violence by nature, but not by inclination or spiritual deprivation. In fact there’s some evidence that people with little or less material can be quite “happy” as long as their material state is not seen as a personal failing (as it is in our culture) and the gap between them and enough is not stratospheric (as it also is in ours).

The biopsychosocio(economic)spiritual(cultural) health model

Let’s start with a relatively accepted version of what it means to be human – the five categories of well-being common to the health fraternity (not that we don’t squabble usefully about the contents and configuration of well-being). These five categories are not mutually exclusive, nor are they intrinsically male, though I’ll focus on their predictive impact for men.

Bio…

Men and women differ in lots that has to do with the child making and upbringing systems in all cultures, but neither can suffice alone to sustain the systems (unless we move to a totally artificially inseminated system in which case we can reduce men to the proportions held artificially by bulls and stallions in domestic herds; apprehensions about early adopters hit the local newspapers recently. (THEAGE   mother-of-all-questions-do-we-need-men-at-all 20131211).

We do not differ in intrinsic brain capacities, though neuroscientists of various hues persist in trying to make a difference by promoting gender differences as science of the brain. This has a long history of great profitability in the Men are from…Women are from… genre. We’re all from earth and all trying to be whole, but evolution (or God if you prefer) fitted us up for conflict by dividing reproduction in two. After classifying us for biological purposes as featherless bi-peds, Plato suggested 2300 years ago that humans were endlessly in search of their other halves.

Psycho…

Forming an identity is an early life demand and sustaining it over time among the ebb and flow of life a persistent challenge. Identity pollution affects as all differentially through the excess of options, denigrations and/or degenerations postmodernity subjects us to. Uncertainty is the shared theme of our times. There are a number of sources of identity: gender/sex, race, ethnicity, and religion are given and permanently so. Others are given, but changeable – skills, competences, interests, temperament, age, etc. And there are the settings for realising ourselves – various attachments and affiliations with varying degrees of choice in their composition.


Persistent stress of a high order tends to regress individuals, groups and cultures. The violent men who are the notional topic of this discussion will be shown to be regressed by a variety of systemic pressures. For examples of groups, have a look at sport and religious groups which do battle with competing groups at levels of violence they would deny they are doing. For cultures which are regressed try those with democratic processes where the systems are binding up – here, the US, UK - and undemocratic ones (China, Russia…) which are becoming visibly and consciously nationalist and social phobic.

Socio(economic)…

There are reasons to think our socio-economic universe is seriously compromised in ways which stress pretty much everyone including the incredibly, piggishly wealthy who seem afraid someone’s going to take their excesses away. More stressed of course are the bottom 20% of our societies who are getting somewhere close to survival income or none at all but variations on the dole (a combination of the unemployed, the under-employed and the quit looking and so not reported in the  government unemployment stats used to demonstrate comparative rates of progress with the issue).

 
Then there’s three systemic defects among our systems: the most outstanding of which at the moment is the unwillingness of companies to share with the employed the profits they are creating while the economy stays flat for them; and nearby is the persistent stress on productivity which seems to mean reducing worker input to outputs and reducing expenditure on worker conditions; and finally there’s the persistent expectation that a redundancy cannot be far away. In fact we should keep our portfolios packed. These effects are felt across all strata in the employ of others. Small business is its own burden.

Cultural …

The patterns and meanings of hierarchy are usually male, with female sideline participation (except notably, Germany, Denmark, Brazil and Oz briefly, of late). Within social/biological groupings there are the have mores and have lesses, mediated by the placement of other groups outside the structure determined by privileged attributes (gender, race, etc.). These provide someone else to disrespect with certainty. The Others give the low power dominant group members an out for their weakness within the group…often expressed with rage not expressible at their own group’s dominant members (note Oz mateship’s decline). See the US for the loudest demonstrations of this process in open view. Note Putin’s retro cultural moves of adding homophobia to Russia’s chronic xenophobia, for a non-democratic example.


The incidence of bullying at all levels across all kinds of enterprise and activity can be understood as just a side-effect of the power struggle in the traditional hierarchies. Not surprisingly, they are extremely resistant to change since every position holder in a hierarchy is a participant in the system of dominance (which maybe is also unavoidable in many circumstances).

Spiritual …

It would be hard to come away from a review of the major religions without an impression that worldly and otherworldly religious leadership is male. Some espouse this with blind certainty – the centres of the big two monotheisms and the fringes of Judaism. Fringes seem to be especially male.

What’s wronged in men?

We know from James Gilligan’s theory in Preventing Violence (1999) that anger aggressively expressed is sourced from the material, psychological and spiritual deprivations of endemic poverty with no perceived or actual hope of exit for the deprived. But this alone is not enough. For violence is not only perpetrated by men who are in the grip of poverty. “…the real cause of violence…is overwhelming and otherwise inescapable and ineradicable shame.” …. “almost any experience that can leave a man feeling ashamed does so by leaving him feeling that he is something less than a man.” Have you been dissed lately, or worse inadvertently dissed someone else?

 Dissed …

What are the effects of dissing by others, or by life? Diminution of manhood. And that’s what? Impugned ability to procreate; impugned ability to provide; impugned ability to defend / protect one’s family; and, impugned ability to work well (that’s vocation, or doing socially valued work, of course). This fate may be that of the 20%.

How, then, can those in objective power (our politicians and their social/intellectual acolytes) also not feel powerful? Rather, they may feel dissed by the world they’ve aspired to rule and been granted the opportunity to have a go. Try this: they cannot control a bunch of peoples who they do not understand and never had to before – Chinese, Indians, and Indonesian; they cannot be saved from these peoples by The USA, which is having its own taste of dissing by low power others; and our Economy is in disarray as mining falters and farming flourishes into the hands of others…and on it goes. 

Dissing others

So they give themselves vigorously to dissing the powerless or low powerful – legal asylum seekers, LGBT couples, the unemployed - and label any question of misdistribution of social product as “envy politics” and “class warfare” even where the distribution gap is egregious by anyone’s count of the published numbers. Again, why the anger if they have the power? The rich certainly have the numbers, so one can only imagine they are ashamed, too. (For an articulate and privileged view of our emerging diss culture see Tim Winton’s “The C Word” in The Monthly Dec. 2013).

Maybe that’s why there are so many angry men on the front bench – Scott Morrison, Corey Bernardi, Eric Abetz, Tony Abbott, George Brandis, Christopher Pyne (a longhaired Chihuahua – large bark, little bite and aware of it, who’s in danger of becoming a throw rug due to uncontrollable mouthing the ankles of his master’s clients), Andrew Robb …all in power and wielding it angrily, as if their power is in doubt and they are offended by the fact. They, too, seem to feel diminished, to actually be powerless when they are at their most powerful.

Or, for another example, what do you make of Scott Morrison’s resistance, smirking mixed with teeth showing, to questioning by Leigh Sales on 7:30 Report, as if to be questioned puts him in the face of an unveiling – his own. The theme of information restriction which has dominated government approaches to the public stems perhaps from the same fear - that of being revealed.

Let’s be clear, as the record of exclusions from federal parliament make it, that the other guys are no better. Albanese is second fiddle to Pyne’s first for being tossed out for outrageousness…all in the name of holding on to their turf. So you can do the same dog tagging exercise for them to be fair. And both parties have, with for all purposes equal intensity, vilified the weak (asylum seekers) to deprive them of their legal legitimacy and denied the different (LGBT). 

Redundancy’s revenge?

In between the criminal end of violence (the males who make up the newsfeeds of daily publications) and the public darlings above are the middling mass of men who sport the embellishments of anger and aggression, most obviously the prematurely bald head and, in a lower but not scarce number, the buff body which exceeds the needs of the normal office suit. Add on the prevalence of permanent body painting and a message of deep superficial confusion about the self emerges, now both his and hers.

These are often carried in vehicles of military mien ranging from the Subaru XV and a host of rough lookalikes both 2 and 4WD with a “T” on the power pack signage over the dual to quad exhausts to the Hummers which need no description – the ultimate sign of power is a standalone name. This design – a scrunched down butt sticking up at vehicles following pulled by a bared teeth grill – seems pretty international and price independent.

Bauman’s liquid fear

In Liquid Fear (2006) Bauman talks about “derivative fear” as “a steady frame of mind that is best described as the sentiment of being susceptible to danger; a feeling of insecurity…and vulnerability…” It is created and sustained by experience threatening our core functionalities in environments like:

 (1) free ranging consumerism, (2) invasive technologies, (3) mutually contradictory “evidence-based” discoveries, (4) productivity-driven organisational reconfigurations and (5) spontaneously intruding natural disasters (volcanic, seismological, hydrological, meteorological and so on) visit upon us from near (try headlines in papers and news programs for excitability quotient levels) and far (if there’s no disasters near then they’re imported from afar, especially those similar enough to us to be considered almost seamlessly us – to incite sympathetic feelings, comforting us with the manageability yet pathetic nature of our afflictions compared to the inconceivable ones of other places where the scales of disasters are often inhumanly large for us as in Indonesia, Philippines, Japan: ah, those uncontrollably different others, again, too).

At this point fear embraces most of us, gathering us up in the folds of the neoliberal mantra – profit is primary and all to the shareholders and damn the world. Maybe the various rages (road, shopping, neighbourly….) are lead indicators of this underlying despair?? They’ve actually been around for a decade or two. And the binges – eating, drugging – are ways of covering hurts, too.

I know this is not everyone’s experience, but even some of those for whom these are the most personally exciting of times can acknowledge it ain’t necessarily so for many others. And in this country the story’s about to get worse, so everyone’s telling us (suddenly it seems, but not). Perhaps the American diseases are for us, too:

“…Profit, not equal rights or freedom of religion or any of the other high-minded principles we seize to bolster our selective outrage, is the real coin of the realm. And, as if you didn’t know, it quacks like a duck.”

Kathleen Parker, Washington Post 251213 discussing the latest American culture war storm, Duck Dynasty.

 
Redundant, my tail feathers!

 

 

 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Learner   therapist (30)……Disrespect without intent, but effect


Torrey Orton
Feb 20, 2012

 
I’ve got a problem. Under certain circumstances, I spontaneously dismiss, even deride, others’ discussion contributions. It’s either “Uh huh” or “Oh yeah” with a self-satisfied, I coulda told ya that, tone. This behaviour has only come clearly into my view in the last 6-12 months, though having a foggy presence in my repertoire for some 10 years at least. I suspect it’s more like my whole life, the easiest evidence for which is that I’ve always had a tendency, confirmed by disinterested others, to be a wise guy, or occasional smart-ass.

 
I am trying to stamp it out. To do so requires that I follow my advice to my patients: be aware of the triggers, interrupt the behaviours and eventually pre-empt them in the most likely to trigger circumstances. Easy, no? Dismissive me seems to arise either from irritation at others’ failure to see what’s obvious to me or from my own pleasure in seeing an obvious which I wasn’t aware was coming in the conversational path I was on. I think these two sources are interwoven, and perhaps a third source is irritation with myself that I didn’t see the obvious - a brand of intellectual perfectionism…just enough to keep my eye on the rolling ball of life and only get fixated on its irregular movements.

 
I work in the obvious because truths come to me wholly formed out of an opaque inner process which is seldom wrong, once it produces. Intuitions seem and feel obvious once produced. Any pretenders to the title of an intuition must pass this internal comfort or fit rating to be the real thing. If an idea doesn’t feel right it can’t be right for me. This is not to exclude counter-intuitive ideas, which are often among the most revealing just because they do not immediately ‘fit’. So, to a certain extent my dismissiveness is rooted in exasperation at the difference in my mental style from theirs and /or my occasional failure to match my own requirements / expectations of my performance.

 
I should get a grip on this because I have a patient who thinks he’s mentally quicker than I am, and anyway feels he is because he can roughly see where the logic of my thoughts are going…what he can’t see is their emotional roots, which is why he’s still in the chair. But his slight disdain for my lack of pace has become a development point for both of us. He is experienced by others at his work as arrogant, distant, etc. and he doesn’t want to make that impression any more than I want to in my work…but I do, as does he.

 
So what? Well, “Oh yeah” is often heard as disrespectful by others, unless it’s a self-inflicted, resigned self-recognition, as one patient mumbled in reconnecting with a pattern of resilient dysfunction he’s trying to reduce. What position do I take on this ethico/politically? Ken Wilber proposes the following schema for working with differing levels of consciousness/ awareness/ knowledge:


1 -      that all truth is partial, approximate, ( “In this Theory of Everything, I have one major rule: Everybody is right. … everybody … has some important pieces of the truth, and all those pieces need to be honoured.”)

2 -      that there is a developmental sequence in human history, which we all go through, and that movement along it is likely to be very uneven for individuals and groups / societies

3 -       that there is a developmental pathway for engaging people in transformative activities, lubricated by respect

A Theory of Everything, Ken Wilber, Shambala 2000

“lubricated with respect” is a nice idea, that is, a good one finely poised, in my view.

Respect as proposed by Wilber includes respecting everything about us in principle, but most especially when we have a shortcoming from the perspective of domains of understanding we are largely inexperienced operating in and through. This includes the ‘heights’ of our own reflective overview of ourselves. It means that to respect others I must also respect myself in my less developed, more immature, faulty states and stages! With this approach in view and embraced, what can I do to mend my disrespectful way? Here are some starters:

Warn others about my propensity for “Oh yeah...” moments, and their likely sources if they are in my / our awareness.

Invite others to point out when they are getting the “Oh yeah…” treatment from me.

Continue investigation of the forms of ‘oh yeah’, the associated circumstances of their emergence and their inner and outer effects.

Be really careful to test for differences of consciousness/awareness/knowledge in different discussion settings.

And….??

There’s some way to go with this!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Learning to act right (9)…. Learning reciprocity




Learning to act right (9)…. Learning reciprocity
Torrey Orton,
Barcelona, Spain
June 9, 2010


"En cas d'affluence, ne pas utiliser les strapontins"
Paris Metro 270510


On our first and only day in Paris I noticed a little sign (above) to the left of a Metro car door. One word reached out - "affluence" - touching my mangledmeanings warning system. So I read the whole sign again. While I knew I was in the presence of an example of what linguists call 'false friends', the overlap with our popular social disease affluenza was an irresistible attraction. However, in the Paris Metro an affluence is an excess of a different kind; one to be avoided by travelling out of rush hour. The little sign commands us not to sit on the springloaded, flapdown seats at the car door when there's a crowd on board. Something similar can be found in our own Melbourne Metro trains which also suffer affluences in the French sense, perhaps with less grace.


One might have thought the command unnecessary, that anyone would know not to sit down when their seating would block the ingress/egress of others - in a word, not to be civically inconsiderate. But like the French (the same sign is in the Metro of Toulouse, so I'll guess it's napoleonically everywhere in France), we have seriously increasing shortages of public consideration, especially where one would have thought that the right action was obvious!!


I expect soon there'll be signage on the outside of our Metro train or Yarra Tram doors saying 'make way for exiting passengers, you dopes' in recognition of the increasing practice of standing in front of the doors at rush hours. I have sworn lightly but audibly at some malefactors of consideration at Flinders Station tram stop. This malefaction seems to be a gender, age and ethnicity free affliction. Little old ladies of various origins look a little put out by a large old guy of my dimensions staring them down from the tram front doorway, especially the older grey ones which only admit one person in or out at a time.

The 'one'Ah, the ubiquitous 'one' of a notionally shared code of practice. Public life is where we learn and reinforce these codes. Some are found all around the world wherever modernity's opportunities (immediate need fulfilments across the whole range of the imaginable) impose their own constraints like traffic rules, queuing for service, and so on. Where they are well established, they are understood as right actions which everyday public life depend on. In Hong Kong the code of ingress/egress is marked in fat white lines on the train platforms to remind the selfish of a virtue which deserves the reinforcement of regulation.


We experience the codes as politeness, consideration … in fact, as personal respect. Their decline in Oz (partially out of immigrant ignorance of local habits or importing habits from other less polite cultures) of simple acknowledgments like the finger wave of thanks for letting another pass on a closefitting road is felt by some of us as the creeping edge of indifference or worse, aggression. I was pleased to find its equivalent is as alive in southern France today, as is its other face – the pass-on-any-corner culture of southern European (France, Italy Spain) driving.


We had a nearly terminally shocking encounter with that other face on leaving Cauterets down its 15 ks of winding, switchback, two lane road with 100-200 meter drops off one side. A turbo powered Mini, or French similar, popped out from a blind corner in our side of the road at 70-80 kph (we were under the limit at 70 kph) and a closely fitted line of four cars and truck he was trying to pass hedged him into our lane. That I'm writing now tells the outcome, but our driver lost a couple of lives in avoiding a multicar mush. Where does that madness, also an accepted code I've encountered in Italy and Spain, come from in a national transport culture with well regulated freeway driving which keeps slower vehicles consistently in the outside lane, and blocking the passing lane is an acknowledged sin recompensed by self-deprecating waves from those needing absolution?

Conflicting right actionsSomewhere in such contradictions lurks the changing dynamics of particular right actions at any time in history. Conflicting codes kept in mind without internal conflict it seems. The above examples are extended by the often impenetrable practice of give way to the right which make places like Place de L' Etoile and its many siblings in Paris actually work to move things. That code is a different solution to the power politics of human movement. People on escalators and streets walk to the right, too.


Reciprocity is a core value expressing the shared nature and mutuality of human (and other organisms!) being. Our everyday possibility depends on it, despite the common disregard by the simple-minded individualists of their various hues. How we learn reciprocity is a major challenge for our value-distorted times. Reciprocity does not equal mutuality, though they stand on empathy expressed partly and occasionally in compassion, underpinned by neuronal competence for recognising the thinking/feeling others. The oft cited downturn in close friendships between adults in the Anglo world in last 10 (?) years suggests an objective the decline in substantive mutuality and reciprocity.


So, as I wondered months ago, what are the young learning about relationships, both near and distant, and the ethics which sustains them??? Can it be the world of intergenerational fantasy promoted by Maurice Levy, chairman and CEO of Publicis Group in an article published jointly in Le Monde and the International Herald Tribune on May 28, 2010? He claims of his grandchildren "This new generation, activist and more inherently collective, is now taking the place of the post-Boomers, whose individualism and materialism may perhaps have contributed to the excesses for which we are now paying." I remember belonging to something like that 45 years ago, which shifted some social sentiments, but otherwise populated the Boomer world without a slip in the normal drive train. Levy's encomia for the young sound like those of my youth and with largely the same economic and social naiveté.

Does it matter?But anyway, does it matter? Is there any reason to believe that traditional virtues and structures must be maintained? Can people live in an untrusting world? Yes, of course, because the Germans, Russians, Chinese and hosts of others in hosts of places have done so, and do do so, now and they continue to be human, just less comfortably so. Our behavioural economists will tell us that the quality of life is partly (?) a matter of perception affected by personal expectations, so living in an Indian village or Caucasus city may have higher perceived well-being than your average denizen of supposedly advanced cultures, especially the Anglo ones….or so I read repeatedly.. and that's the latest research!!.



Most recently, yesterday, I read someone else wondering about the validity of various current social critiques because they are so often thoroughly ahistorical and so interpret the present as if there had never been a past with similar dynamics. He was introducing The Shallows (2010) by Nicholas Carr. Maybe the important learning of ethical basics continues persistently in the colourless undercurrents of living, driven by hard-wired needs for fairness, respect, etc.? And driven by ethical obsessives like myself who think the world is going to the proverbial in a handbag and so must thrash around about it, thereby keeping such matters in the public view a bit. This makes them available as materials for discussion later. After all, why did Plato write or Aquinas, or Confucius ... not for the past. Along the way a few perspectives on matters of what's right action and acting right provide us
not merely with an aesthetic diversion in the ethical spheres but difference with which to refine currently preferred decision equations.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Rectifications (22) – Minister for the “respect agenda”?


Rectifications (22) – Minister for the "respect agenda"?
Torrey Orton– March 29, 2010


How did I miss the Maddening one? Guess I was concerned about learning to act ethically that day. The grounds of my amazement today are summarised well here. Meanwhile, trolling the net for a few minutes failed to reveal a definition of that agenda's prime term – respect. Then I found John Brumby, Dec. 2008 on respect, noteworthy for its negative simplicity. His three defining propositions are things not to do. Presumably these are items of disrespect. So we can't learn much about what to do or how to be respectful or ourselves, others and our community.

 
"Our government understands that many Victorians are concerned about anti-social behaviour in the community," he said on Wednesday, after announcing Mr Madden's new role. "We have got some challenges in our community, particularly based around what I call respect. If you respect yourself, you don't go out and binge drink; if you respect your community, you don't go out and vandalise it; if you respect people around you, you don't go out and beat them up."


I suspect some spin'ster (contraction of spinmeister) told him that positive propositions would open the government up to empirical review of its respect performance. Not that this should trouble them since no manner of empirical review touches their disrespect for the public…but I digress.


A year later the minister responsible, Madden, provided this conversion of Brumby's don'ts into do's in a ministerial epsitle. I have added some glosses for his key terms. These suggest the inappropriateness of the glib generalities on offer.
"The Victorian Government's Respect Agenda is based on three simple ideas. We respect ourselves by accepting and valuing who we are (does this include motor head hoons, financial fraudsters and internet scammers, child abusers and bullies, religious kooks and …? Aren't they are quite likely to accept and value themselves). We respect others by listening, treating people fairly and appreciating different circumstances and views (Listening, appreciating and fairness require shared social practices and values; they can't be grabbed across gulfs of language culture and value differences on demand, but the Minister did try to demand others listen to him in a meeting he wasn't invited to!). We respect our community by welcoming newcomers and lending a hand to each other (Well, it sounds good, but fairly small town to me, having come from on. What does welcoming look like on the streets of a city where smiling at strangers on the street is an invitation to a 'who ya lookin at?' from the passing others)."
And, the principle engine for increasing respect? The schools, actually. Think of the disrespect messages they are competing with!


Respect yourself and others will respect you ~ Confucius
For example, our cat Poppy has injured self-respect. He attempts basic cat respect behaviour - head butting anything of own catty family (watch your local lion pride anytime when they're not eating or sleeping) or anyone having to do with food or pre-heated sleeping spaces (us). But he won't get closer to us than a hand's length away; not a true head butt. It's long been evident that he had a deprived or depraved kittenhood before arriving in our lands. His self-respect is damaged and his respect for others is similarly slightly depleted.


He gets a slight disrespect from me in turn, even though it's not his fault. He's just not entirely there for real respect like a ride on my chest/shoulder almost face-to-face. He can't stand the closeness, and now 14 years later resists my conflicted effort to hold him up for a view and a smoodge. People can be certainly more difficult to respect than he is, though in principle they warrant it anyway as he does.


Observation #1 – Respect is a two way function in a two-way event – a relationship. Respect has to occur with almost perfect timing to prevent it's opposite – disrespect – from rushing in. Feeling respected provides a container of engagement and commitment which allows relationships of all kinds to weather storms of others' making. These others include the gods, other people and sometimes the relationship members themselves (where one is an other for the other, as husbands and wives, the ethnically different and the differently abled always are to some extent!).


Observation #2 – Disrespect, expressed in the now well known verb 'dis', can be the underlying assumption of all relationships for some people. The 'dis' sensibility presumes a likelihood of always being dissed, and probably is fed by feeling largely dissed by life. At the public political level this seems to be what's been happening in the US for the last 5-10 years (or more?) – a culture of disrespect on a grand scale. See the most recent responses of Right pundits to the US health bill.


Lack of respect vs. active disrespect
Observation #3 – Lack of respect, or active disrespect, is one of the most common complaints of couples in trouble (sometimes both members; sometimes just one). While active disrespect provokes more virulent reactions than lack of respect, it also sharpens the perception of the provocative behaviour and attitude(s). Because they are clear, they then become accessible to reworking, or not. The more passive lack of respect carries the flag for disengagement. Those needing a respect injection are usually looking for things like:
Being consulted about what's happening; being listened to, heard and acknowledged when they are contributing to discussion; being given space to speak for themselves; being treated as a person not just a role (husband, wife, caretaker, provider, etc.); being 'just me'- having a life apart from this relationship.
It's not love but probably you can't get love without respect. Or, you can kill love by withholding respect. Disrespect over long time periods for deep needs elicits powerful feelings which, once freed, make recovery of a workably respectful flavour very hard to do.


Observation #4 - Having a "respect agenda" is to misrepresent respect. The problem where respect is absent is how to have a shared agenda of any kind. This cannot be mandated – though power can be used to encourage rather than discourage sharing. Efforts to legislate respect are often dull and indiscriminate. Politically correct behaviours trap as much as they liberate. Readiness is required. See respect attitudes, assumptions and behaviours below


Responsibility and respect
Observation #5 – Appropriately admitting ones responsibility for a perceived error or misstep in a relationship is a good step towards rehabilitating respect in relationships. Doing so demonstrates respect for self and other(s) by setting boundaries and standards for the relationship. As a result, we know what actions will be respectful to members and who may be accountable for making the effort.



Observation #6 – Being self-respecting and other-respecting can be very difficult when we are injured, sick, overloaded, under attack (direct or indirect), etc. Like Poppy, I find it hard under such difficult conditions to respect others (or myself!) when certain levels or styles of self-disrespect are present. For instance, when someone has indulged beyond their personal capabilities in any kind of consumption which threatens others' viability – alcohol, gambling, drugs, food, palliative purchasing (the world of nothing's enough consumerism)…


Definitions…
Observation #7 – One definition of respect has 8 variations with an example phrase for each. There are larger numbers of variations (try the O.E.D. for instance) but 8 are enough to suggest the range of mistakes one could make in trying to be respectful. That's within Anglo cultures!


…and differences
Observation #8 – Within cultures, the entry level behaviours of respect are politeness formulas. These are acts like acknowledging another's presence with actual contact like a handshake or virtual ones like a nod or wave, and then a query about their current state (How's it going, How's your day been, G'day, etc.). Between cultures the same rules apply, but through often unguessable or unrecognisable forms of action. It is easy to bow the wrong amount to the wrong person and insult a monarch, or earn the ire of local morality mavens. Try getting the length of a handshake right without threatening sexual identities.


Back to the agenda
The Maddening Brumby respect agenda adjusted for realities looks like this:

  1. "We respect ourselves by accepting and valuing who we are".
    Adjusted version: The boundaries of respect in our culture are …, and differences about them can be engaged in this way…but some clearly not negotiable at the moment elicit spontaneous gut rejections from others.…and it is important to acknowledge that before anything else is done.
  2. "We respect others by listening, treating people fairly and appreciating different circumstances and views." Adjusted version: Fair treatment (being heard and understood in our differences) for the less powerful in any situation require the more powerful to provide safety, especially on the debatable boundaries, and beyond them, of the respectful. Real differences cannot be simply appreciated because they shock and offend in some cases (your first sniff of black bean sauce may not of course!).
  3. "We respect our community by welcoming newcomers and lending a hand to each other."Adjusted version: make way for new respects by informing the present residents of any space that new arrivals may inadvertently challenge and inform new arrivals what areas of respect will be challenged for them buy their new home. These are notably obvious: intimate relationship expectations and obligations, food choices, public behaviours in gender relations, hierarchy protocols, hygiene, the nature of security services,…etc. Try the DFAT and immigration websites to see what's available to immigrants and refugees as local knowledge.

The third level of respect – community – is the government's main area of responsibility. Only they can do it effectively. Effective means doing it before arrival here. Or at least soon after. In the absence of the fact, sing a little song:
either Otis's or Aretha's RESPECT

..or two, the Staples'
Respect yourself

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dance(s) of Difference – (3) Intimate level

Dance(s) of Difference – (3) Intimate level
Torrey Orton
March 8, 2009

The different sometimes touches softly as in the following examples:

“She has family, Ma’am, but none immediate. They think of such things more loosely and more intricately than we. For us family is string, for them it is lace.”
The Protector speaking of the last surviving child of King Romeo to Lady Franklin in Richard Flanagan’s Wanting (2008, Knopf; pg. 68)
And,
“The relationship between family and family members can be likened to the relationships between a body and body parts. For example, I feel itchy on my leg and my hand comes to help by scratching it. Does my leg have to say, “thank you, hand.” Does my hand reply, “you are welcome.” No, neither one does so. Why, because they are supposed to help each other as they belong to a single unit. Though parts can be distinguished, they do not function independent of the body. The mutual relationship between parents and children are understood by Chinese in the same way.” (Chen, AERA, 2006).

At other times it hits from the instrumental with the blind power of a (unintended?) personal assault:
A US fire fighter stepping off the plane in Melbourne a few weeks ago (Feb. 15) to spell our CFA volunteers a week into the struggle with the Black Saturday aftermaths. The guy‘s TV news quotable was something to the effect: ‘…you people are a little backward here (in your fire-fighting), but we’ll try..’

Working with my Chinese business partner in Shanghai since 1997 has helped me open my culturally blinkered eyes, though had I lived there two years between ’81 and ‘83. While my partner and I shared doubt about our respective media, specific doubts were often not shared because they drew on identity matters for both of us. Examples include the American bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade and the aerial clashes between spy planes and their watchers a few years later. More easily managed were reporting of SARS, and the like.

There are a number of likely subjects of inter-cultural conflict. A list might include differences of language, religion, gender and generational roles, authority structures and values, health standards, education contents and processes, and so on. Many of these are also hot points within our own cultures these days. Lists like this offer ways of guessing when conflict may arise and its subject(s), but not how it will arise (the precipitating actions) or why (the other situational stressors). So, a difference list can be used to suggest where and when pre-emptive action may be necessary.

Successful pre-emption requires nearly intimate relationships, or intentionally sliding into intimate levels of content and process. Put another way, the civic must become intimate to get through the conflict. Another take: I know when a relationship deepens, especially one across cultures, when the other shares something from inside their culture not accessible to non-members without a personal introduction. This can apply to within own culture workplaces and similar settings.

A key turning point in a conflicted relationship is the will and effort to clarify differences of knowledge about the respective cultures. Appropriate respect is the key competence for success in these growth potential moments. Practically, respect is especially required in situations where ignorance on either’s part is an unavoidable element of a difference. Then achieving personal or organisational understanding has a particularly difficult hurdle to climb.

Each event is, also, potential highly volatile… as most challenging intercultural events are. All participants are asked, or asking, to be taken as representatives of entire identity groups of which they are members by fate (birth). Part of the challenge inheres in the management of ones own (my own and the other’s in the following vignette) ignorance which is the occasion for the event and the block to its reduction. Here’s one.

China from the inside out: ‘Why do tourists take pictures of old stuff?’
In 2007 I was running a leadership program in China with participants I had worked with in earlier programs. Intercultural understanding across the 6 cultures in the business was a specific topic of the event, so some constructs for engaging differences were on hand already. AS well, we had explored the implications for business conduct of the actual differences in managing style between the participants and their company’s home (France) leadership style.

In a break one Chinese guy asked me, “Why do foreigners take pictures of the old, dirty parts of Shanghai?” I asked what places (I know Shanghai well) and why he was interested. The places he mentioned I recognised as old worker quarters (aged 80ish), not yet subject to the developers’ ‘dozers and the city government’s forced displacements of their inhabitants to the outer suburbs. His interest was that he thought the snap-artists were seeking information to show China in a bad light wherever they came from. This is not an uncommon perception by young educated Chinese.

In a couple of discussions at the moment and over three months, with other members of the leadership group present at all times, I presented a few ideas. Most prominent in my mind, because it is my experience and that of many foreigners I know in China, was that the old China is the one of most interest to us. The new we really can see in Hong Kong, Dubai, Singapore or New York – domains of unrestrained modernity from the origins to the latest flavours. That China can achieve modernity of this sort in super-short time is striking, but the final outcome we already know more or less. What we don’t know is the very different human history underlying the new – a place of as much wonder to us, perhaps, as modernity has been to the Chinese when they first began to see it in Europe, the US and so on.

This explanation failed at the time. One reason has to do with residual effects of the well recalled history of foreign oppressions of China. I don’t know that any explanation could succeed now; and, at the same time, I’m sure I can follow up with him later and see how his thinking has developed. In that sense the event was a success from my point of view. Our relationship was still alive. This is not my fantasy because I saw him 10 months ago in another training event and we were on firm discussion grounds throughout a physically and emotionally challenging teamwork experience at sea.

So, maybe the developmental pathway through conflictful understanding is via the intimate, the personal, the humanly scaled and the extensively as well as intensively experienced (though I suspect extensive is more useful than intensive; time provides its own perspective as memory moves away from the immediacy of perception). I look forward to hearing others’ tales of attempts to engage volatile cultural matters respectfully.

Next blog, I’ll review a current example of these difficult interactions conducted through the public media – the choice of a name for it is itself filled with opportunity for presumptive misinterpretation (unconscious stereotyping). This is the reported and subsequently commented (starting in THEAGE on February 19, ‘09) history of the Indian students mugged in the West of Melbourne. My concern is that this is an example of creating conditions under which sharing our ignorance to increase our understanding becomes less likely. This is the pathway of intensified stereotyping.


Neighbouring* subjects & issues: social policy, intercultural communication, sustainability and culture(s), difference and learning, power.
*neighbouring = historical and conceptual factors which give perspective to the blog topic